New Year's Thoughts

It’s the morning of the first day of the year. The house is silent; my family is sleeping. I am up early to contemplate my life and what I want to do with this year that stretches out before me, like a field covered in untouched snow. It’s a curious question. I feel like this is a chance to reinvent myself, to be all the things that I’ve always wanted to be! And, yet, why must I wait for an opportunity like this, a new calendar year, to be who I want to be? I should strive for that each and every day.

Life is short. Too short. You never know when it will come to an end. It doesn’t matter how healthy or ill you are; the end could come at any moment. Of course, we can’t let that rule the way we live. We still must plan and act as if we will be around for years to come. But, do we? We know we won’t be around forever.

Carpe diem, the saying goes. How will I seize the day? How will I live my life this year to maximize the time I have? It’s not a question that has an easy answer, at least, not for me. I see lots of people who seem to have it all figured out. I recognize that, as an external audience, I know very little about who they are and what they want for themselves. And, in the end, how “together” they are has little influence on me and my life.

I must be my own person. I must work towards what I want. I must work for my goals, because no one else will.

That begs the question: What is it that I want? It’s a question that has plagued me for awhile.

I grew up in a very religious family. I was raised to look forward to the afterlife, not this life. This life was something to be endured, to be lived according to a strict set of rules, so I could receive the greatest gifts after my death, and live then according to someone else’s idea of paradise.

I’m certain my tone reflects the disdain I now hold for that idea. Being raised that way left me inadequately prepared to actually live this life, for this life. And I’ve struggled to figure out what I want out of my time on this Earth. I’m already 40, likely more than half-way through the time alloted to me.

I’ve dabbled in a lot of things, over the years. At this point, I am certain that I want to be a writer. I’d love to be able to support myself and my family doing it full-time, but I don’t know how realistic that is. Still, I believe it’s a worthwhile goal. It’s something that I can work towards while feeling good about the path I take. While I may never reach that point, and the rational part of me knows that, I think I would be cheating myself to shoot for anything less.

So, my overarching goal is set. Now, the hard work of breaking that into managable pieces awaits, as does taking the steps necessary towards reaching that goal. It’s not a process I’m very good at, but I won’t get any better until I practice.

As my brother-in-law reminded me last month, “[Life] is a journey of discovery.” I am excited to take these first tentative steps on that yellow-brick road, setting one foot in front of the other, pointing myself inexhorably towards the Emerald City. I’m sure the path is winding, with many detours and dead-ends. But, as long as I follow where those yellow bricks take me, I’ll be farther towards my goals than I would be had I stood still. 

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